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upgrading Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

unknownhost

unknownhost

Sorceror
//Please note, this is just a decade+ old funny i ran across a bit ago whilest perusing some old UO web-fun pages. i'm not the original author by any means.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included in the brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys', Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?

Thanks Joe
*************

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that the latter is merely a 'Utilities & Entertainment' program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than on the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support'. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command "c:/apologize". In any case avoid excessive use of the 'Escape' key because ultimately you will have to give the "apologize" command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Some people are now preferring to install Partner 1.0 or Companion 1.0, these being equivalent programs.

The installation of these more modern operating systems can permit everything that Wife 1.0 offers, but without having to commit to a license agreement. It also frees the users from some of the restrictions on input/output ports and can, under some circumstances, free the user to install A Bit On The Side 1.1 or variants such as Toy Boy 2.0. This is in line with modern open systems, but does require more vigilance on the part of the user to ensure that viruses and other unwelcome intrusions do not occur. Generally, this means the installation of some anti-virus software such as Condom 3.2. None of this was generally necessary when using Wife 1.0 except for the possibility of expansion of the motherboard. All sorts of problems could then ensue.

Best of luck,

Tech Support
 
Hammerhand

Hammerhand

Knight
Code: 
GirlFriend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and
I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the
same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't
crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound
is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the
switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately,
and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem
co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf
with some sort of timing incompatibility.
GirlFriend 2.0
I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a
friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I
probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He
was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled
itself. I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0
still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and
conflicted. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it
didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by
hand, but it put files in my system directory.
GirlFriend 3.0
Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the
bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it,
it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
system and shut down for a while.
GirlFriend 4.0
I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I
used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus
protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I
tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still
installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know
about that automatically senses the presence of any other
version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way,
which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are
still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is
written in some obscure language I can't understand, much
less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention
paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And
I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally
"object-oriented."
GirlFriend 5.0
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend
5.0...
* - A "Don't remind me again" button
* - Minimize button
* - Shutdown feature
* - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can
be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't
lose cache and other objects)
* - "Abort" button
* - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous
mode which would allow the systems hardware probe
feature to be much more useful.
Another thing that is very irritating -- all versions of
Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about
the advantages of upgrading to GirlFriend Plus and Wife 1.0
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of
Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and
Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that
GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't
upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to
go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus. Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife
1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly
the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0
must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything.
---------------------------------------------------
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MS-Money files before doing
the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient
resources.
---------------------------------------------------
****** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress
1.1 on a different system and never run any file
transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have
been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife
1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via
a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here
again, beware of the viruses which can accidently
be downloaded from the UseNet.
---------------------------------------------------
MS-Wife 1.0 Testimonial
Wife 1.0 is not only a memory hog that leaves very little
system resources for other applications. He is only now
noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes
which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have
informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself
such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the
system at all, crashing the system when selected (even
though they always worked fine before). Also, system
performance seems to diminish with each passing day..
NEWSFLASH
I came across more tech notes about this product on the
Usenet News Groups.
You should immediately add this to your README.TXT and
update your WIFE.INI file as noted.
---------------------------------------------------
***** BUG FIX *****
Another bug has surfaced with the uninstall
feature of WIFE 1.0. A TSR program stays resident
in memory after uninstalling WIFE 1.0 that on a
recurring basis takes up to 50% of your system
resources before allowing any of your programs to
run. In cases of complex or "messy" uninstalls,
resource losses can be as high as 80%. This TSR
can be negated by adding the following line to
your WIFE.INI file:
DEVICE=C:\WIFE\SETUP\PRENUPTL.386
IMPORTANT - This line must be inserted before the
DEVICE=C:\WIFE\SETUP\WDDNGDAY.386 statement in
order to work properly. This new driver will
redirect all calls to
C:\WIFE\UNINSTALL\CMNLPROP.DLL to
C:\WIFE\UNINSTALL\WAIVEALL.DLL
during the uninstall process.
---------------------------------------------------
***** UPGRADE ANNOUNCEMENT *****
WIFE 2.0 is currently in development and should be
ready for release shortly. WIFE 2.0 takes 30% less
disk space while featuring a flashier, more
attractive, User Interface. Unfortunately, this
upgrade is expected to require significantly more
resources than Wife 1.0. For those users unable to
upgrade to Wife 2.0, addins RedSprtsCar and
NewBoat are currently in beta testing. These
addins will work with the executable
C:\WIFE\MIDLIFE.COM.
 
Alyssa Dark

Alyssa Dark

Sorceror
ok, since we're sharing, lol... here's another one... was something that was forwarded to me via email so no idea auther etc...

Code: 
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
 
 
Dear Tech Support,
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slow down in
overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
 
In addtions, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and
Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
 
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housekeeping 2.6 simply crashes the system.
 
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 the fix these problems, but to no avail.
 
What can I do?
Desperate
 
 
Dear Desperate,
 
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system.
 
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
 
However, remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta.
 
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resouces.)
 
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program, This is an
unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
 
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applictaions quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
 
Good Luck!
Tech Support
 
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